This reminder is made in satire of the advent of the moral ascendancies hounding onscreen fornication. It is a perfect paradox, as what the title of this note suggests.
It is an idiot's guide to watching a pornographic material.
Face it: You have watched Porn. Either in habit or in curiosity, it was that event in your life that you cannot erase- much like that ugly first kiss.
You have watched Porn, and by phrasing it in the past perfect tense, you are hereby free from any guilt that you might (still) be harboring. Furthermore, any consequence of the act done should have already prescribed.
As a disclaimer, this is not an open letter of encouragement to view such content. It is an honest and humorous warning to the people who cannot get their hands off the cookie jar.
Notice that I have described the "protagonists" as subjects, and not actors. It entails that "non-commercial adult-oriented video" popularly known as video scandals are included.
So let us begin.
1) Never compare genital sizes with any male subject. Bear in mind that no matter how enormous your portable Cyclops is, you are not THE subject himself. So shut up.
2) Never stare nor talk to much about the male genitalia. You will be mistaken for someone who delights at the sight of such. And that is...
3) Never imitate anything that can get you to the hospital. No one wants to be delivered to the emergency room with feather cuffs and studded leather underwear.
4) When watching with a group of friends, always wear loose pants with deep and wide pockets- complete with boxer shorts underneath. I know you know what I mean.
5) Never eat elongated meat while in the act of. Never.
6) Never think you are any better than the male subject. There is a reason why he is there, and you, with your pants down.
7) Do not expect too much; you'll end up getting disappointed.
8) Art direction is and never was the intention of the materials' producers. If you have any problem about cinematography and plot flow, perhaps you should be watching Citizen Kane instead.
9) By accepting the fact that what you are watching is a pornographic material and not a children's show, never take guilt as an option- unless you label that big, purple dinosaur as phallic and erotic.
10) Never imitate song and dance numbers. Most ladies do not view that as foreplay, save for Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze.
1) No matter how many times you cover your eyes with your hands, there will still be gaps in between your fingers.
Finally, always remember Etiquette's Golden Rule: Don't talk when your mouth is full.